October 27th, 2008 Very lonely at home / MOM Read >>
October 27th, 2008 Very lonely at home / MOM
Well Anthony, its almost another month gone by without you at home with us, you are always with us but its so different now. Some days it seems like I cant do anything, some I have lots of energy, some I want to just lay down and be left alone. I try so hard to not let this get me down, but it is hard. I will never understand how we are chosen for this type of loss. I was and still am a good mom to all 3 of you boys, so I ask why me!!!!! I know you would understand how I feel. I cant think how you would feel if something happened to me while you were still alive, the hurt that you kids would go through. Well I feel the hurt, its deep pain. Theres always something going on here. Uncle Dennis is away for the army, Dustin is in Guam for the air force, Derek is working the farm and everything else, DJ is still a cop. I dont hear from too much of the other family members, I see Corey once in awhile. He seems happy with his girlfriend and Casey is still with Nick. Brittany I have no idea. Its sad that families ares split up like this. They dont realize it until its too late. I have learned but ya know what, it takes more then one person to make a relationship. You dying has taught me so much about life and people. I will always be proud of you and that I am your mom. We had our spats but boy we did love each other through it all.If it weren't for that I wouldn't be able to live through this. I have so many wonderful memories that I treasure and think of daily. Something always comes to my mind. Keep watching over us Bud, we miss you and love you more with each passing moment. Peace my angel son!!!!! Close
Oct 18th, a very long cold day / Mom
Hows my sweet angeL? Its hard to even write that because that means I really know you aren't here and you are in heaven, thats where angels are! I was going to have a garage sale today but it was only in the low 30's, so I said forget that. I have been walking around Grandma's today kinda down, depressed, bored, emotional, just really not wanting to do anything. Certain days for no reason are harder then others. I mean all days are hard but some just kick ya in the ass. I dont like the cold weather coming, you didnt like the winter. You never could understand your brothers wanting to play outside and snowboard, you would say thats not fun, having to get all dressed warm and go out and freeze. So you would play basketball or playstation. i know one thing I miss you more every single day, it really isnt getting easier, I just keep going along to keep everyone else happy. I guess I do what I think I should. who knows Anthony, I sure dont. I have been dreaming about you and thanks for that. Ryan is doing better, he had his wisdom teeth out on Monday, he wasnt as tough as you, he was put to sleep. You would of felt bad for him. Aaron sounds like he is doing well in Mexico, but he is anxious to come home. Its nice to go away but its also nice to have a home to come back to. Grandma is ok, she is tired alot, you and Grandpa need to watch over her, keep her strong. I try to do everything so she doesnt have to worry, but you know her. Grandpa would say she would worry just to worry!!!Thats the truth. I hate that this is how I talk to you, but I do feel you are reading as I write. others would think I was crazy but who cares, not me. I hope you have found all our family members up there, some you never met, Like Grandma & Grandpa Diffendorf, they would of loved you and Grandpa Pavelski & hedges always loved you, Little Antush. Well sunshine mom loves you fromhere to heaven and back.Peace my angel son Close
My light has dimmed, there's no doubt. It is burning low, not completely out. There are so many feelings I have inside. They are the one's I just can't hide. I lost a part of myself, you see. Right now, happy, I just can't be. God is mending my broken heart each day. Please, just lift me up when you pray. One day, I don't know just when, I'll surely be able to smile again. Until the Lord restores my heart anew, Please understand, is all I ask of you.
Sending you hugs and prayers, because I know how hard this journey is. Four years ago I buried my first born son. He was 16 years 10 months and 30 days old. He would be 21 the 2nd of October, and I sit and cry a river day after day. Just keep remembering that God has him now. May God Bless and keep you and your family.
missing you more every day / Mom
Anthony, I love you more every second. I know you knew that before.Just wanted to tell you now Close
To whomever is telling Dana things!!!!! / Mom Read >>
To whomever is telling Dana things!!!!! / Mom
I truly hope that whomever feels the need to come to this site that I have created and tell Dana things that I write, I hope the hell you are reading this. On here I write what I truly feel, the ups and downs that I go through every day since April 28th of 2006. Do you think that in any way you are helping me??????Well tell him this for me, He was not a good stepfather to Anthony, actually for 3 of the last years that Anthony was alive, Dana did not speak to him at ALL....Never went to his Anthony's high school graduation or party, because he was a part of my past with Anthony's dad. So who is the better person here, who was the adult in this situation, I allowed dana to mistreat my sons from my first marriage, but let me tell you that has changed. I honestly cant believe that someone out there feels this need to repeat what I write, especially to him, see he doesnt know how to get to websites, so he has you to do this for him. Unbelievable........Please repeat any of this, better yet print it out for him......Thanks so much you have made my day even worse. You obviuosly dont come to this site for Anthony, just for information, like repeating that I opened the pool and that Anthony would be proud of me. Close
Sept 28th 2008 another sad day / Just Mom
Sept. 28th, another month with the 28th, I hate those days, same with Fridays. Well it has rained back home for 2 days. Just crappy weather. I'm trying to get alot of things cleaned out at Grandma's, you would be shocked. Everything of yours is still in the same places as they were. I dont know how others just pack things up after they lose a son or daughter. I can't even think about doing that.I sit here and look at pictures up on the wall and it seems like it was another world ago. so much time has passed by, but not really, it seems that way. I hope that someday i have the answers. I talk to otheres that are going through this and they feel the same way. I hope that in ways that I help others, thats my nature. Who would of ever thought I would be in this situation, certainly not me or you!!!!I wonder what your Dad thinks and feels. He must be hurting like me, but I think he cant show it, He needs to be able to talk openly about you and not worry about others and what they feel or think, until they walk in our shoes for 5 minutes they will never understand this hurt. It doesn't go away or as others say get better, its always with us every second, but we just keep going on, because thats what we are suppose to be doing. Thats from people that have never been through this. Keep helping me Bud, I look for your signs and before I do anything I wonder what you would say. I hope I'm doing things the way you would want. Peace to you tonight my angel son. I love you more then I can say or show......Its forever Close
Sept. 21 Gosh do I miss you / Mom
Hey Bud just me mom! I have been really busy having garage sales. You boys use to think I was nuts, but then again you liked getting money by selling your clothes and toys. Wish you were here to do that. I cant even begin to think about selling or taking down anything of yours, I am way from that point. Your things are left just as they were. All your sports stuff, Jordan things are all up on the walls of Grandmas, just how you organized them. they all had to be just so.......I go downstairs and just sit and look around, it amazes me that you are gone from here but in my mind and heart you are right there sitting with me. There are so many times when I really need you, I wonder at times what you would be doing right now, would you have a girlfriend, still at ESU or at Syracuse University. So many wonders and what ifs......You probably know Kasey got married on Saturday, that was kinda of a tough one for me, I know how much you cared about here and how badly you got hurt. A mom doesnt forget that kind of stuff. She will be forever in your heart, just as you saw her. Ryan went to the races in Maryland this weekend, he keeps on the go all the time. Aaron is still in Mexico, thats so far away. I am proud of him. Well just know you are always with me for every waking moment that I am breathing and you are with me when I'm sleeping. Peace to you tonight my angel son.... Close
Spet 13th, 2008 rainy day / Mom
Hey Bud, Been really busy having a garage sale at Grandma's. Got rid of alot of stuff, things that I dont need or want anymore. It's funny how things dont matter to me anymore. Well your brothers and grandma matter but other things are just that Things. Aaron is doing well in Mexico. Ry is working on Your car, maybe it will go down the road some day, that would make you happy. You were so excited about getting it fixed. I guess it got pretty rusty from sitting so long. I wish there was another way of communicating with you. This is a one sided conversation, but I will settle with that. It helps me to go on. Life is sure hard to figure out, there has been so many obstacles in my lifetime to go around and bounce back from, this will take me forever!!!!!Just know that I am thinking of you always and I love you with all that I have. I will always have 3 boys....Peace Bud Close
Beginning of another month / MOM
Well now its September and you arent home. So many months have gone by, so unbelievable yet for me. I truly know you wont be coming back but there is always that little ray of hope and wonder, like what if this is possible. I know it sounds crazy...But its just a mom that has lost her boy, I miss not seeing you or hearing your voice, your laugh, listening to your many sport stories, listening of who is on what team this year. I bet you still know it all up there in that big sky. I hope that you have met your Grandparents, especially Grandpa Hedges....Boy did you love him and respect him as he did you. Two peas in a pod. He always said you could be president if you wanted to be. So many memories. I was cleaning out in the garage and found your very first T-shirt that dad got you from Super dirt week, its so tiny, but its like brand new. Thats one thing I kept all your clothes nice. What a keepsake. I sit here and wonder are you watching over me, reading what I am writing. Do you see me when I'm sleeping, driving or just doing anything????Sometimes I feel you near me or I see something that catches my eye. I wonder do you know this has happened and what would you say if you could talk to me. I think about your dad alot and wonder what is he thinking, does he think some of the same things that I do, or is he allowed to talk openly about you. He has to be hurting so deeply inside, how could he not be, there is such a huge emptiness without you here, we try to fill that void by doing things, working, mowing the lawn, but no matter what the hurt is still there, we can even laugh at times, but the hurt is there, people dont see or feel that like we do, its impossible. Sometimes I could go on and on, BUt Anthony I love you so very much, always did and always will, thats part of my motherly job. Peace my angel child. Close
Hey Bud, Well this month is almost over. Time just keeps moving along. Seems so unreal at times. I'm so glad that you and I talked about death before this happened. Not that it makes it easier, you had such strong beliefs about life and after life. You knew that Grandpa was always around us, so I know that you are always around me and your brothers. Believe me, we sure do need you. Everyone is doing their own thing and dealing with this differently, but thats ok, One thing for sure is that we all love you and miss you.
I saw Mary Parks and Wes the other day. She has some pictures to give me of you, like when you were really young and going to the pool parties at their house. They also have some old videos of basketball. Boy if only we could go back in time. Wes' little girl started pre school, very cute. It was nice seeing them and hearing thier memories. I also saw Jeff Boughtons wife. Its like no matter where I go, there are reminders. I love listening to others when they talk about you. They have to know that it doesn't bother me, it actually makes me happy. Because you did exist, it doesnt matter that you are gone phsically, in my life you will always be. Maybe others dont think that I've accepted this, but I have, I need to do this in my own way and my own time. This sint like a toothache that can be taken care of, its a forever hurt deep inside my soul.
It's only me MOm again. Sometimes I feel like my gut is ripped right out of my body. I try so hard to block some of this out but there is so much other crap going through my mind. There isnt a second that goes by that you arent right here with me.No matter what Im doing you are there. I dont know how others just accept this and move on like nothing happened. The most devastating thing happened to me. Losing you was like losing myself.I will never be that same person I was back before you died. I look at everything in life differently now. I really dont care what others think or say. Everyone is so full of advice on how to do things or what I should be doing now after 2 years has gone by, I'm like screw you, lets see them survive this hurt.See i even get bitter. Thats not who I really am, but its who I have become. I say I miss you, thats putting it mildly, its hard to function. But I know I have to for everyone elses sake. You know how I feel!!!!!I love you Anthony, death does not change that, it never will. Peace to you tonight my angel son...
August 15th, 2008 Lonely / Mom
Hey hows my boy? Wish you could tell me, even after all this time I still can't believe you aren't coming home. I look at pictures of you on the wall and its so unreal, one minute you were here and then boom you are gone. I really don't know how to let go of this, I'm trying, I will never let you go, I mean just to go through a day and not be so sad. I think people think I'm doing good but if they only knew this gut wrenching hurt that I carry inside, noone can see or feel that, except maybe your dad. Step parents cant even begin to know this feeling of loss. I hope there are ways for you to get through to your dad, he needs you. I know Aaron is away in Mexico and that was hard on me letting him go. I couldn't bare to go through this ever again. I dont know how I will survivie any of our family members...That I will need help with.....I started playing party poker again, you loved that texas holdem game. You taught me how to play. You taught me actually alot about life and love and freedom. You were your own person, sometimes your own worse enemy but you always came above the rest. So many memories Anthony, some make me cry, some make me laugh out loud, but thats all good for me. So many emotions running around in my mind. I guess it helps that I know that you knew and know how much I love you, thats forever.......You are always my boy, my 1st born child, my angel in the sky............Peace Close
August 7, 2008 Moms Birthday / MOM
Well Anthony, today has been a really hard day for me. I turned 49, can you believe it? I havent done a thing all day, kinda moping around. Aaron left for mexico this morning, he should be there right now. I am worried about him, but he is smart and will be careful. I trust him. I just want these next 4 months to go by fast so he will be home safe and then its back to pittsburg for him. Ryan is going racing this weekend, you would love to see him race. he is very good, very fast. Grandma is ok, she is glad to have us here with her as I'm sure you are glad to see that too. Me and Aaron came to the cemetery last night, its so quiet there. The grass needs to be mowed. I will write more alittle later, just know that I love you with all my heart and soul!!!!!!Peace my angel son Close
The end of another month / Mom
Well here I am again, missing my son. I am trying so hard to live and move on, some days I do ok, if there is an ok, then some I feel so tired and just Blah. I know Grandma is having a hard time. Her health is not the best. I'm not ready for her to join you and Grandpa.I wish you could talk to me and give me advice, I think you would be pleased with some of the things I'm doing. Taking care of everything at Grandmas house, Hey the pool is open, thats a plus, its been 2 years for that to happen. The yard is all mowed and weedwacked, so there is progress.Just wish you were here to help do those things. You were one of the last ones to swim here, right after you came home from working at Uncle Dennis'. So much time is going by, I wish it would stop. To me is seems just like this morning that I found you. I havent been coming to the cemetary lately, but my heart and mind is there all the time. You know what I'm doing and thinking. I know you are with me alll the time. Well I will keep pluggin along but mom loves you more every day. Peace bud Close
July 24th, 2008 Another long day / MOM
Hey Bud, Me mom again. Well lets see, Aaron has been home for 2 days. Its so good to have him around. He is so much like you in so many ways. Sometimes I look at him and its so weird. He has so many plans and he will do good at whatever he does. Ryan has been doing odd things, like helping a guy build a house and mowing, he keeps very busy. Me and Grandma spend alot of time at home. Trying to get the pool opened, it is hard doing all of this, but making progress. I gotta start having garage sales. Life in general kinda sucks, if it wasn't for your brothers then I dont think I would want to keep struggling along. Reality hits me and then I crash. I try to keep occupied but you are every place, why woudn't you be? I always talked about you kids and that will never change, I will always have 3 sons. You are the oldest even though Aaron turned 22, that was a tough one to get through. I think you know everything that goes on down here. Some times I see things out of the corner of my eyes and other times I just know its you. Well this is my life now, there isn't too much I can do to change it. Know that I miss you horribly and think about you all the time. REALITY I HATE IT!!!!!!!! Close
July 18th, 2008 Sad day / Mom
Hey Bud, I hope you are watching over things down here, its very sad in town. Another young man your age died the other day from an explosion. It brought everything right back to the front for me. I talked to his mom and told her how I feel and what she is going to go through. She of course is in total shock. I wish i could go back to the day of April 28th 2006, I would hold you and not let go. We all think we have forever to be with our kids and watch them raise their families and buy their first home, BUT in a split second all those dreams go out the window. All my hopes for you have vanished, except I hope you are safe and happy and can see me down here, missing you so very much. I never ever thought this would be the end for us. I know I will see you again but I hate the thought of not knowing when. It has been 6 years that Zach has been gone. I still cant believe that. Brenda is a strong woman, sometimes maybe too strong. I know she miss's him and the other boys are growing up, so active in sports, you guys would be proud of them. Keep a look out for all of us here, we love you Anthony and I miss you so much right now. Tonight is the boys viewing but I can't go. I dont know when I will be strong enough for that...Well My sunshine Peace to you today Close
July 11, 2008 Just sad / MOM
Well Anthony, yesterday was Aarons 22 birthday, I feel for him, he passed your age of 21. It must really hurt him deep inside. You guys littel joke has become a reality of him being older then you. They say be careful what you wish for. He was in Pittsburg so I didnt see him, I needed to hug him and tell him it will be ok. Some times I feel so lonely even when there is people around me, I need something else. I need you back. Now I know that will never happen but as a parent thats how I feel, if thats not facing reality then oh well.There have been struggles in my life but nothing compares to this. Getting up every day facing the fact that you died is just so very devistating. How do you just except that? I was dreaming about you 3 boys last night, maybe because I had Aaron on my mind wondering where he was and with who, celebrating his day. Ryan is racing again this weekend.You would love to be right there with him, I'm sure you are watching from the heavens.We always know that you are right with us, there are funny little signs, we just have to look for them. Well Bud, keep helping me, I will never stop needing you. I was there for you and here we are in reverse. Peace Bud till tomorrow. MOm loves you with all I got. Close
July 8th, 2008 Missing my boy / MOM
Hey sunshine. Wish i could touch you or hold you. So many days have come and gone by since you were here. Not too many really happy ones, at least not for me. I hide alot of what I feel. You wouldn't expect anything different from me. You know this would be the hardest thing for me to go through, losing one of my 3 sons. Oh my god, i still just cant believe it. People say you are with me all the time, I know that but its not the same, I want to see you right in front of me. Not looking at a picture. My memories are wonderful, what would I do if I didnt have all of them? Well Aaron will be 22 on Thursday. he will be older then you. Thats a tough one. Keep him safe down in Pittsburg for me on that day. He will be coming back home for a couple of weeks and then off to Mexico. I'm still trying to deal with that. Ryan raced this weekend, he did good. You would love to watch him. I'm so proud of both of them and I will always be proud of who you were and always will be. I hope to see you in my dreams......Love you Close
June 29th, 2008 another month almost over / MOM Read >>
June 29th, 2008 another month almost over / MOM
Boy time is going fast. First it was 1 month that you were gone, now its 2 years. Unbelievable, thats all i can say. It is so hard to face that you aren't going to walk through the door at Grandma's. No one around me has any idea of what i truly feel. I wonder if your Dad thinks about you all the time, sure he works and does things but you have to be right there in his mind, how can you not be. Annita and dana dont have a clue and I hope they never have to find out.I was thinking back to when this all happened and some of the things that were said, I know that if I wasn't in total shock at the time, i would of voiced myself for many to hear. Some day I still will, I have leaened so much and really dont care what others think or feel. All I know is that your dad and I are your parents and at that time we needed to share in the loss, you never liked either one of our mates, thats for sure. I am so sorry for all the nonsense that you and Aaron had to go through for many years. But there isnt too much I can do to make up for that. The stories that you 2 have to share, Anthony driving you and your Dad home from the harford fair when he was like 13 because dad was drunk or the many scenes at our house.Just crazy shit.......We live and learn, I guess our family was chosen to go through the really hard times. Aaron will be home on July 21st, i hope he can spend some time with Ryan, because he really needs him, he is his true blood, not step anything. I feel for Ryan because he kinda lost the both of you. I know if you were here things would be different, you spent so much time with Ryan and you would take him places with you, you even would choose him over your friends or anyone else.Your little munckin man is growing up so fast. he is trying to be a good kid but I know its hard on him. There is only so much me and Grandma can do for him. Please Anthony if you have any powers up there, keep him safe and help him make the right choices. I love you so very much, this is so deep. Miss you more every minute. Peace Bud Close
June 20th, 2008 Wishing You were here / Mom Read >>
June 20th, 2008 Wishing You were here / Mom
Hey Bud, Its me Mom again. I just dont know what to do with myself, there is so much I should be doing, but I feel like I dont have the energy. I was such a go getter before all of this. I'm sure you would tell me,,"Mom its ok" But Anthony its not. I want you back home, right where I can hold you and see you and laugh with you and talk about sports, that I dont know much about, but I always listened to your stories about who is playing for what team and betting on them. Things are so different now. There is such a sadness in Grandma's house. You are missing from here. I know you are with Grandpa and he loves you to pieces. I feel like you are always with me, watching over everything, I'm trying to make changes for the better, just wish you were here to help me. I gave out your scholarship to Erin Keene on Friday. She was surprised, I think you would approve. I have known her since she started playing T-ball on Ryans team. Life sure has a way of throwing things right in front of you. I made it through that night, I have been spending alot of time at the baseball field in your concession stand, I guess that makes me feel close to you and that there is a piece of you there for all to see. I miss seeing all your friends, I talk to some of them once in awhile, the one I really would like to talk to is Joe J, that day will come. Such a waste. So many lies he told. You would never do that, if one of your friends died, you would be there for everything and tell it all, no matter what. Not him he left the frigin state. Oh well, They say what goes around comes around, so we shall see. All I know is you died and left me hurting deep inside, something that will never go away. Keep me strong Anthony, Mom needs you more then ever. Peace for now my precious angel son. Close
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