June 9th, 2008 getting close to graduation / Mom Read >>
June 9th, 2008 getting close to graduation / Mom
I hate this time of year. It brings so many memories about your bright future, I will never forget the speaker saying" You have the rest of your life". Well not very long was it. I will be giving your scholarship on Friday night. Thats such a bittersweet thing to do, you would be so proud. I wish i had lots of money to give away, thats what you would want, so some kid wouldnt have to work so hard to pay for college, like your brother. he really struggles, but he made the DEANS list. I'm so proud of him. I hope you are keeping track of everything down here, you and Grandpa need to watch over us from up above. We need you guys more then ever before. Ryan will start racing his ATV soon. It cost so much $$$$. You would love to see him win. Well I just want to talk to you, this is my communication with you and my dreams...I LOVE YOU ANTHONY Close
May 31st, ending of another month without You / MOM Read >>
May 31st, ending of another month without You / MOM
Hi my sunshine,
I sure do miss you, Life or things just aren't the same any more.I'll tell ya, its a struggle eevry day just to get doing things. I've been doing alot of yard work at Grandma's. Wish I had your help.I need you the next week or so, I have alot to take care of and its going to be a fight to the end, But I will survive it, if I survive losing you, then I am strong. I thought I was doing the right things for the right reasons but oh have I learned the hard way. It doesn't go as planned.
Josh Carpenter, Johnny Bovencamp, Jordan Smith and John Carp were in a baseball game today. Its a mens adult leaque. You should be playing 1st base with them. Its kinda nice being around them and remembering things, they all have respect for you. I hope you know how proud we all are down here, to pay tribute to you, to share you with others, that helps me through this. Of course John and Laurie & Katie have helped me, selling food, John is the head chef at the field. Its funny!!!!You are watching from up above. I love you so much Anthony, this is the hardest thing to ever go through, I know I wouldnt survive it again, I dont want to. Keep me believing Bud, you are my angel in the sky. Peace Bud
Hey my Angel son! I am missing you more all the time. I'm sure you know that. I've been up to the field alot lately, working the concession stand, it helps me to feel close to you and what was important in your life. Josh Carpenter has been very nice to me and John & Lori Bovenkamp have there through it all for me. Jesse Pruitt has been playing on the Junior high team and they won districts, first time ever. I will be bringing flowers over today with Grandma. I got for you, bright orange and blue. I met a lady in AC Moore yesterday and she had a daughter that had died 6 years ago. I seem to be drawn to parents that are going through this. But it helps me, i sure know I'm not alone and they understand and care and even think like me.
The phsyic was awesome. She knew so much from you. I want to go back. Brenda says I have to wait 6 months. I do know you are around me all the time and I love that. Others think I'm nuts but who cares what the think. I'm working on getting my life turned around for the better. I know what I have to do and I am strong. I've been bullied for too many years, you know what I mean. Some day you will pat me on the back and say Good Mom!!!!Just know I love you, that my son is for always......Peace sunshine
Today is your Little Munchkin mans prom 5-17-08 / Mom Read >>
Today is your Little Munchkin mans prom 5-17-08 / Mom
Wow, you wouldn't believe it. I told him when we went to pick up his tux and he tried it on, I had all I could to do to hold myself together, the memories came flooding in on me. You would be so proud of him, the tux is all white, with his dark skin and being tall and curly hair, he is gonna be sharp looking. I hope you will be watching him tonight. i will be there to take pictures, of course just like yours and Aarons proms. You boys have given me so much love and hope. I am so proud of all of you, without you guys my life wouldnt be what it is today. I guess thats why it is so hard to go on without you at home with us and Aaron being in Pittsburg. Sometimes I feel all that is left is me and Ryan. Aaron will be going to mexico in August, so that will be a hard thing for me, but he has to live his life and do all the things to make his life better. Maybe someday he will get married and have alittle Anthony. Who knows..He will make the right decisions! I hope you still know how much I love you, you are such a huge part of me and NOONE will ever change that, believe me they try to, its like its been 2 years and now I should be back to myself and moving along, easy for those people to say, they have never went through this. I wish you had some kinda of powers up there, to starighten these certain people out. If they only could feel this emptiness, hurt for a few seconds, they would keep their mouths shut!!!!!Listen to me. See I would still do anything for you, always and forever, your mother. Peace my child Close
May 12, 2008 Survived Mothers Day / Mom
Boy Anthony, I dont know about this, at times I think i am moving right along and then Bam it hits me. I brought Grandma over to the cemetary on Sunday to visit and put some flowers there for you.Every time I drive down that rode, i think to myself, I can't believe where I am going and the reason Why. I see so many young people and I wish it were them instead of you. It's like i want others to feel what I'm feeling, the hurt, lonliness, anger, helplessness, so many emotions that are thrown into this. I tell people its a forever loss. I went to the Flea market and saw a couple of people that didnt know you were gone. Thats always hard, because I think everyone knows. like it is written across my forehead. I talked to Cody Edwards yesterday, he is still in Iraq. He is a nice guy, I know you really liked him as a ball player and as a friend. I'm going to the varsity game tonight. Its kinda cold out, but I will stay in your concession stand, I say its your little cottage. I am so proud of that. Ryan is going to his first prom on Saturday. I think he is excited, you would be shocked that he is growing up, he would definatley be taller then you now. Well my child, know that I love you so very much, that will never change, just will get stronger as the days go on. Peace Bud Close
May 7th starting another month without you at home / Mom Read >>
May 7th starting another month without you at home / Mom
Where does the time keep going? I sure do miss you. 2 years has come and gone now, I can't still believe this has happened. Sunday was your tournament, It went great, there was about 400 people there, most everyone had a Anthony Survilla T-shirt on. What a proud day it was for me and Ryan and Grandma. I'm sure you were watching everything from heaven, did you see the 250 balloons? They were red and white for the school colors. There were alot of memories shared that day of you. Life sure has a way of making you see things differently now. Some people I could care less about. Family is, well you know who was there and who wasn't. A dedication of a building in your memory only happens once not twice. We have been there for so many other peoples things, but belive me I will voice myself when the time is right. I guess for others, out of sight out of mind. They must be so busy with their own worlds that they can't find a hour out of thier busy day to come and support something that means so much. I have sat back and kept my mouth shut, but no more.....If you could you would telll them where the hell to go.I will keep doing this every year until I die. You deserve that concession stand and all the love that goes along with it. The baseball booster club just loves it. To be able to sell food is a great thing for them to make money. So many people thanked me for allowing them to play in your tournament, I was like you have to look to the sky and Thank my boy. This has been a really hard week to get through but I did it. Aaron is back in Pittsburg, he wasnt home for Sunday. Ryan, him and I spent the 28th together. I wouldn't survive another loss like this.So is you have any power up there, keep your brothers safe for me at all times. I LOVE YOU ANTHONY Close
Anthony's anniversary / Cheryl Hujar ((Steve's mom) )
Dear Pat, I just wanted you to know that, in this time when it is so difficult to comprehend the reason of what we're going through, I know exactly what you're feeling. We've never met but we share this horrible bond that thankfully most people will never experience. I know the emptiness and the helplessness you're feeling, and like you I know that it's never going away. I also know that your dear darling son is with you and will never really leave you, but that desire to hold him and hear him tell you he loves you is a need that will never be met, and that's what is so hard to accept. You and you family are in my thoughts and prayers, I can only hope that in time we'll be able to feel some peace. I know your heart is still bleeding for your son. Maybe it will help to know that someone understands what you're feeling... Close
Thinking of you today Precious Anthony xxx / Delia Allan Tomlin's Mum Read >>
Thinking of you today Precious Anthony xxx / Delia Allan Tomlin's Mum
April 27th 2008 Tommorow is 2 years / Mom
Hi my sweet Anthony, Boy do I want to reach out to you right now and never let go. The anticiaption of tomorrow is driving me nuts. It seemed like it was months away and now its a day. I am breathing faster, like I cant catch my breath at times. I dreamed about you all last night, which is a wonderful thing. I would wake up and fall back alseep and there you were or I was telling people about you in my dreams. I know you would be so shocked to think you are gone physically from here. i know you are here beside me all the time. So much has changed in 2 years, some for the better some not. I hope that someday my life will be turned around, It's so hard to move along and make changes, I'm certainly not the same person that i was back in April of 2006, never will be again, she left with you. I don't think the same, my outlook on everything is different, some people get mad at me, but ya know what who cares. I lost such a huge part of my being that there is no turning back.I guess the pain will end when I leave this earth and I am with you, but then others that I leave behind will hurt. I wish I knew all the what ifs and whys, it would be easier to face death. I do know that I'm not afraid of dying any more, because I know thats the only way i will see you again. I miss you horribly, some days are better then others, some days I want to be around others and some, its like I dont want to hear it, leave me alone. There are so many people here that love you and miss you, those are the people that i feel comfortable with. I can be myself and mention your name anytime that I want, without getting that look, like oh boy here she goes again. If they only could feel this pain, they would never tell me to move on and life goes on, he would want you to get over this, are they frigin crazy????? Well bud until tomorrow kep me sane. Setting off balloons at 7pm , watch for them, orange and blue, the Syracuse colors. I LOVE MY BOY Close
April 23, 2008 2 years is closing in on me / Mom Read >>
April 23, 2008 2 years is closing in on me / Mom
Hey My child, It's me again Mom, trying to communicate with you. I always wonder if you can see me and read what I write to you. I talk out loud all the time to you, sometimes I feel you so close to me.Theres a song that comes on the radio every time I'm in it, Its called I saw God today....I know you are watching over from above, just wish you were home with us. I've been wroking on your baseball tournament. I cant wait to see the concession stand built for you, what a tribute to you as a sports nut. Like I said you touched so many lives and you didn't even know it, well neither did I. Thats why I am so proud of you, I always was, no matter what you did, you were my first child and kinda you could do no wrong in my eyes, but you sure gave me a run for my money. I tell people its all part of growing up, kids, teenagers do things and they learn from them. Some older people just dont remember that they were once young and devilish. I remind them.....I have seen Joe Cosmello alot lately, I tell him all about you , its nice to visit with others that were so important to you. Your friends were a huge part of who you were and are. they have their own special memories of you. I need you to keep me strong, because I'm really struggling, its good that i have the baseball things to keep me busy.Some day things will be better, some day I will hold my boy again and laugh without having to fake a smile. Some day thats all I can say!!!!!!!Miss you terribly My sweet Anthony, the love I feel for you gets stronger every day, the reality of all of this is horrible. There must be alot of young people up there, I have met so many parents that are going through this pain. We all ask the same question "WHY" Why Our Child??:?????^j^^j^ Close
Well today is varsity's first game. I'm going to go watch for awhile, its hard because there are so many memories of you there, running around those bases, playing 1st, pitching, sliding into home plate. People don't realize how lucky they are to be able to see their kids playing, never expecting to lose them or their future. I've been working on your tournament, its going well, people are very generous where you are concerned. Everyone loved you and still do.You were such a big part of sports, it was one of your lifelines, like this site is to me. It's what keeps me going from one dat to the next. I can't wait to see the new concession stand built just for you, I'm so very proud of you Anthony!!!!!!!Always was and always will be. Your brothers sure do make me proud too.I love them with all that I have left. I would give up my life for them and for you, without a second doubt. I wish things were different, its sad that you learn so much when something like this happens, hows that song go????If I could turn back time, I'd give it all to you!!!!!Know how much I hurt for you Bud, you are with me always, where ever I am who ever I'm talking to you, you are right there with me.....Peace my child
Hey Sunshine, It's Mom again 3-30-08 / Mom Read >>
Hey Sunshine, It's Mom again 3-30-08 / Mom
Things are really stressful at home. But some in a good way. I've been working really hard on your Baseball tournament, It's May 4th. Make sure you are free to watch over it!!!!!You know Jesse' is building you a consession srand, just in your memory. I cant wait to see it. You would be so proud of all the things for you. I will as long as I live keep your memory fresh, even to those that don't want to remember. They sort of block it all out of their minds, maybe it's alittle bit of guilt feelings. It's like I need to do these things not just for you but for me too. It helps me to move on. It's no different then me helping Brenda when Zach died. You were proud to wear his basketball tournament T-shirt and now others are proud to wear yours. Grandma has been really tired lately. I think we are all thinking of the time frame. 2 years is coming so fast. It's so hard to believe. Just know how much I miss seeing you and listening to ramble on about anything. I love you from here to heaven and beyond. Always my only Sunshine Close
Happy St Patricks DAY / Kate Porter Christopher's Mum Read >>
Happy St Patricks DAY / Kate Porter Christopher's Mum Close
March 15th, 2008 Still hard to believe / Mom Read >>
March 15th, 2008 Still hard to believe / Mom
Hey Bud, It's me, Mom as always. I have been going through alot of emotions lately, well for the past 23 months actually. It's like how do i face the reality of you not coming back home. How does any parent survive this. I havent even worked on your site, I cant seem to take off any of the xmas things i put on there, its like taking little pieces of our lives and putting them in a closet. I don't want to lose any part of you. Some people don't remember their childs voice, I'm so lucky to have yours on tapes and your cell phone. So much has been going on back here. Aaron went back to Pittsburg the other day, I worry about him, he is trying to be so strong and continue with working and college and paying rent. If you were here, you would probably be down there all the time, the 2 of you roommates, I dont know about that or how that would work out. Drinking buddies, yes I can see that. Ryan is having a hard time in school, he is failing Algebra again. He has been working on his 4 wheeler alot, you would be so proud of both of them. I see how much they are hurting inside, just like me. We all have our own ways of letting it out. Me I of course talk about you all the time, but I always did even before this nightmare. Sometimes I talk like you are still right here, for a brief second. Then reality kicks in hard. I could go on and on. Just know that down here we all love you so much, not a breath that i take that you aren't with me. Peace my Only Sunshine Close
Feb 17th 2008 Missing You so much / MOM
I always find myself coming to this site, It makes me feel close to you, not that i don't already. I sit in front of this computer and see so many of your things looking right at me. I see all your most preciuos belongings, your Jordan things hanging on the walls, Syracuse basketball stuff that you and I put on frames. You are everywhere I look. Last night Ryan and one of his friends were sitting here in Grandpa's chair playing Playstation. I walked down and it was like looking at you and Lance playing so many times. Ryan wears all your jerseys, you would be proud and laugh. He is so much like you. Aaron is doing good, your Dad is down there for the weekend to watch the daytona. Aaron needs him to be in his life. I know you would ne heading to Pittsburg all the time if you were here. It's so hard to believe all this happened to us, we all keep plugging along but there is a huge void in all we do. I would give anything for you to be back with us. I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting yesterday, they always make me feel alitle better. The people ar all so caring, because they are feeling the same things as me. So many people have lost thier kids. I just don't understand all the WHYS....Like how can so many be part of Gods plan, is he running a business or what up there. 2 years is really coming upon me fast. I'm starting on your baseball tournament, trying to get a different design made for the shirts. I'm so proud of you and what you meant to so many others, the impact you had just on your brothers alone. Every time I see one of your friends, they tell me something about you. We all love you, that wil be for always. Ryan hurt his leg on his 4 wheeler yesterday, he got alot of stitches but is ok, what a deerdevil he is. You would get a kick out of watching him on it, makes me nervous as all heck. Well my SUNSHINE mom loves you so very much.Peace to you up there. Close
Feb. 5th 2008 Just a lonely day here / MOM Read >>
Feb. 5th 2008 Just a lonely day here / MOM
Hey Sunshine,
Well the Giants won the Super Bowl, did you know that? Today is very rainy and dreary. I keep thinking about you, thats nothing new, you are on my mind no matter what I'm doing. Its so hrd to honestly believe that you are never coming back here, to not be able to see you or touch you is so hard. One of Uncle Dennis's friends, you know Billy Heller, well his brother took his life, I feel their pain, especially for their mom. To lose a child is beyond our control, we are just left behind to try and pick up the very lonely pieces and move on from day to day. I havne't found that secret yet, on how to do that. I mean I am going on BUT........it's not what I want. I want to see you. I cant think that I don't know when I will see you again. You know how hard this is for me, you are my boy, my son, my reason for being a mom, just such a huge part of my world. My world has changed so much since you left us. Everything is different, I don't think like I use to, I'm always on the lookout for signs from you. I wonder about you and Grandpa, did he find you????I only wish I knew. Just know I love you so very much, that will never change, whether you are here or in heaven, my love for you is there stronger then ever. Its a Forever thing this being a mom. Peace my child
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