Jan. 20th 2008 A lonely day  / Mom
Hey Bud,  Well here i am again missing my boy.Thats a every second kind of thing.This is a hurt that is so deep, that noone else can touch it.The only ones that know the feeling are those parents that have been through this. Others try to help or say what they think are nice helpful words but they arent helpful at all. Sometimes I get so angry at others, if only they could feel this for 10 minutes and know the anquish we feel.  I had a good talk the other day with someone close to you and I. He miss's you terribly too. I explained that step parents can not feel what we do. Because they haven''t lost someone they brought into this world, they still have their kids.I know if you could speak you would say alot.Boy do I wish you could, I really need your support.I've made alot of huge mistakes in my lifetime and still make some, but I have been punished enough. The love that I have for you and your brothers is beyond words.There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for any of you, even though you aren't here, i will still protect you from anything.That I will take to my grave and beyond. Someday you and I will hold each other and talk.Missing you is part of my world now,part of my every waking moment.You and I shared so much for 21 years, there isn't anyone or anything that can change that or take it away from me. I have so much to say, but hate that this is the way I have to do it.I feel you close to me at all times, I listen to your voice on your cell phone, I truly think that is a blessing for me, to be able to hear you speak, still. "YO THIS IS VILLA" and PEACE at the end.  I love you so much Anthony,ALWAYS & FOREVER Close

Jan. 10th Stop the time for me  / Mom
Hey Bud, it's Mom.  I think about you constantly, every second you are right there with me. But thats not unusual for me, you and your brothers are so important to me, always have been, always will be. thats all part of being your mother.  I took your xmas tree down the other day, it really held up good.  I wonder so many times if you can see me, I do think you can and hear me. I'm always looking for signs and do see alot of them. You are trying to get to me, i know that!!!!Other people have told me they dream of you, that makes me feel good. So many love you.  I guess you know Ryan wrecked the Durango on Monday. he didn't get hurt, was very lucky, I think you had part to do with that. Your dad is going to fix it for us. Just like always, he is the best body man around. It might even be totaled, dont know that yet. There is always stuff i think "Oh I have to tell Anthony", then I stop and think I have to write it now. Doesn't seen real yet to me, I do know it is but dont want to accpet that yet.  Well I'm headed to Grandma's, so I will write and talk more to you later. Mom loves you with all her heart and soul Bud. Thats forever..Miss you terribly. Close

Thinking of you and your family always  / Lisa Church (Holly's Mom )

Close

This is Christmas morning Its going to be a long day  / MOM
Hey my Sunshine. Hows my angel today?  This is a morning that we use to look so forward to. You and your brothers loved Xmas. We have so many wonderful memories from the times we were all together, the vacations, little road trips, family chats & squabbles.LOL.   No matter what we were a family. Always there no matter what. I think thats why this is son hard for me, we did have such a close bond, maybe others didn't always see it, but we knew what was inside. I imagine your dads house right now, aaron spent the night there and went to Grandma Survilla's. I kept imagining what they were talking about, if they were reminising about you. I don't know how others don't bring up your name. We need to , to be able to go on. I always talked about you before all of this happened, so I'm sure not going to stop now. And I really don't care what others think, they aren't in my shoes or my life. It's like no matter what I'm doing, you are right there before my eyes, in my thoughts.  Ryans surgery went well, when he came out of recovery, he told me he dreamed about you. I smiled and said I knew you would be there for him, just like the first surgery. He needs you, he looked up to you for everything. Aaron is being really strong. he has his own way of dealing with things and thats ok. This is such a huge loss for all of us, to try to fill that huge void is imposible. I think I could write a book, what do you think????I will go to Grandma's later, she is having a hard time, missing you, especially in her house, you were always there.  Well Bud, I don't know what Christmas in Heaven is like, I hope it's like when we were all together, laughing, eating good food, enjoying each other.  I know what its like down here now and for me its very sad and lonely. I LOVE YOU   MOM Close

Me again, this day isnt over yet Dec 22 6:00 PM  / Mom
This day seems to be going by so slow. This really sucks. I feel like at times I can't breath. I went to the meeting, so i got to talk alot about you. I took a cake to share and the people there sang happy Birthday to you. Did you hear them?????They are all so supportive. I know you would appreciate others helping me.  aaron and Tom came over to visit you and then Me and then Ryan and his 2 friends. We shoveled all the snow off so its just grass and your xmas tree. I know we are crazy, but you would do the same thing. I hope today was not too lonely for your dad. I tried calling him earlier just to say I know the feeling and it hurts. Noone else could possibly know what we are feeling. Grandpa probably played the fiddle for you today.LOL.....I wish that i was a drinker because I have been thinking about buying a bottle of something and just getting drunk and pass out for the rest of the night, Brenda said no then i would feel like crap the next morning, we laughed, she is right. She certainly knows what I am feeling. I use to wonder about how she managed to go on after Zach died, now I wonder how I'm going to. She has been there to listen to me and to cry with me.I know I can always call her and she will be there.  Well Bud, you will always be my sunshine and I love you so very much, keep helping me and I pray that you come to me in  a dream tonight.  PEACE ANGEL Close

Today is your 23rd Birthday  / MOM
Oh my Anthony,  Where do I as your mom begin?  This is a tough one for me and I'm sure it is for your dad as well. To be a parent that has lost one of their kids is beyond words. It has taught me so much about life and the little things. I miss you so deeply, I have so many feelings that need to come out, sometimes I try to protect myself from others, some people seem to think that life goesn on, well yes it does, but not easily. I am pushing forward as i have no choice. You wouldn't expect me to be able to just go on like nothing happened. A huge thing did, My first born child is gone from me. How do I except that?????I'm going to a Compassionate Friends meeting in a few minutes, so that will help me today. How ironic that there is one today!!!!!Some one knew I needed some help. Thank You
I will write more later.  I LOVE YOU ANTHONY JOSEPH Close

MERRY CHRISTMAS  / Nancy Davis

Close

Happy Birthday Anthony!  / Carol Pizzi (Angel Debbie's Mom )

Close

Merry Christmas  / Kate Porter Christopher's Mum
Close

Dec 19th, Ryan's 17th Birthday  / Mom
Hey my Sunshine,
    It's me Mom again, who else, RIGHT?????Well today is a big day for your little Munchkin man. He is such a good kid. I want to protect your brothers as much as I can without annoying them.LOL  But its hard to let go of those reins, you know, i was always asking you questions, like where are you going, who you going with, what time will you be back, you know the drill......After losing you i dont want to take chances, I dont think i could survive this again.
  Ryan and aaron are going snowboarding on friday, that will be good for them. Ry really needs him.  Saturday is your day. I put a memorial in our local papers for you. I want everyone to remember, i know they already do...I'm sure your step sisters are missing you just as much. They all love you..You leaving doesnt change what we feel.  Brothers and sisters stick together through thick and thin.
  Well I miss you, love you, need you STILL>>>>>>>Peace Bud Close

Dec. 14th This is getting harder  / Mom
Anthony,  I don't know where to begin, I'm having such a hard time with this month and what it means. Sometimes I feel like i can't breath, I think its anxiety or something.  The closer it gets to the 22nd and the 25th is driving me crazy. I feel so many things, mostly all the memories of your birthdays since you were a baby, all the Christmas's that we spent with Grandma & grandpa in Florida, you kids use to love to go there. they made it so special for you boys and me.  This is like I really cant believe that you are gone from here.I do dream alot about you, so that helps. But the reality is just so hard to endure. I want you back so badly, I don't know how other parents really cope, i have talked to so many that have gone through this and everything that i am feeling is normal. I can't ket go and niether can they, how could we.  Its hard because i brought you into this world and I wouldn't trade that for anything. what a day that was for me and your dad.  What a HARD delivery, painful but not like this pain..Everyone came to see you, you were our Christmas blessing. A true gift from God. I think of your first step, first time playing in the snow. I just can't think of life without you, you were always there. I miss you Bud. Always and forever your MOm Close

Dec 10th Missing you every second  / Mom
Hey my Sunshine, It's mom again. The computer hasn't let me on here in 3 days.It was driving me crazy. This is part of how I commmunicate with you. I'll tell you this month is so hard, I have been dreading it for months, but it is here. You will be 23 soon, I want to get together with some of your friends, go to someplace that you would go if you were here, like maloneys or CJS. It's been so cold out, I need to get to the cemetery.Ryan is having his leg surgery on the 24th, so be there with us.  Aaron will be back from college. I missed my Compassionate friends meeting and then they cancelled the candle lighting on the 9th, I was about to go nuts, I was looking forward to both of those days, I cried, because I really needed to talk to others about you. I am not up to having a tree or anything, maybe someday. I will NOT let anyone rush me into it, just because they think I should. I am doing what I need to do and I know you would understand. You would probably feel the same way. Death had an effect on you, you had such strong feelings on it. I wish others understood that part of you. We talked alot about it you and I. I need you to help me to  be strong and please keep coming to me in my dreams. I love waking up and thinking I saw you.Know that you are always with me.  Lori Bovenkamp called me tonight. She made me laugh and it felt good.I know that there are others out there that think about me and truly care as to how I am really feeling.  Keep warm my sunshine, Mom loves you from earth and beyond, that my child you can depend on, you always knew that.I love you forever........PEACE BUD Close

November 30th, tomorrow starts December, UGH!!!!  / Mom
Hey Bud, It's me again.  Well I put some new graphics on here today, I know you would love them, especially the Jordan ones. It's so hard to believe all of this and why I have this site. Your birthday will be here soon, I made a huge card for the cemetery today, I will bring it over soon. I have to get your small tree. we are suppose to get alot of snow in a couple of days.  Makes me really wonder about others in the family, how do they go on with these holidays like this never happened, they put up lights, a tree, buy presents, dont really mention your name, its taboo, i guess.  Also they still have their kids. I wonder about how you would feel, well I know what you would say and who you would say it to. Someday i will voice myself loudly. My life is surely going on, I have no control of that, But let me tell you this has affected every aspect of my being, my life, as a PARENT of yours, i dont know how to act any different. I feel angry at times and this is one of those times. I want to scream out. I want to say dont not say his name, he is a part of us, keep him fresh in your mind, talk to the rest of the family about you and the memories they all shared, the good and the bad. Some day the grief is going to catch up with them.     Peace to you my child   Mom loves you Close

Thanksgiving Morning 2007  / Mom
Oh Boy a holiday.  not one of my favorite days any more. I can't even begin to tell you what I'm feeling,  lost, hurting, angry, lonely, frustrated, down in the dumps, just plain crappy. I know others are enjoying this day, but I'm not feeling too thankful this year either. I am for your brothers and the rest of the family, but the rest NO not thankful.  You loved holidays, eating all Grandma's good cooking, pumpkin pie, corn bake. There are so many wonderful memories to think about, i don't want to forget any of your life. You were and always will be a huge part of us. the oldest son, the first born, the leader, the older brother, just so much to so many. we all miss you terribly. Yes Life is moving along, there is no controlling that, but it will never be the same and for anyone to think it, they are crazy, or just plain not grieving normally. It's right to be feeling what i am, its part of a healing process. I am going through different phases of you dying. I hate to even say those words, but its reality sinking in. I hate all of this and wish the god it wasn't real. You had so much you wanted to do in this world, so much energy for sports and i will never let that live down. It's who you were. Right now Ryan is hunting at uncle Dennis's, Aaron is at grandma's and I am home by myself. I seem to spend alot of time that way and thats not good. Just know today as every second Anthony you are with me in every thing I do and say.I miss you with every beat of my heart and ache just the same as the day you left here. It's always and Forever your mom.  LOVE YOU SUNSHINE Close

November 14th, 2007 Just Mom missing her boy  / Mom
Hey Sunshine, It's me again. I need to check in every couple of days, just to keep you updated.  Guess what, Aaron is going to a concert tonight in Pittsburg- Bruce Springsteen. I'm sure you would of loved that. good old rock and roll.  Ryan is working on his 4 wheeler at his friends Robbie. Me I'm just sitting here by myself thinking of you. I spent some time with Grandma today. She really loves you and is having a difficult time with all of this. We all miss you so much, the love we have for you is so deep. It over whelms us all. I know how you felt about people that you cared about dying, it was a very strong feeling you had, you believed in the after life, so do I. I keep watching every little thing. I bumped into Mr. Thorton today. He even said he was suppose to meet me like that, unexpected. we shared your class trip and laughed. he will always remember you, so will you whole senior class. you made so many others laugh.I know you thought alot of him and Mr. Parker. they were always in your corner.  The days are closing in on me, I don't know how I'm going to handle December, I know you will be watching over me, giving me the strenght I need. Its funny, sometimes I just fall apart and then i feel this sensation come over me, its like a tiny touch that I feel and I smile, because I know it's you.   Well I love you more then you ever knew and you knew I loved you alot  Peace Sunshine Close

Missing you as always November 10, 2007 5:30pm  / Mom
The days seem to be getting longer and colder. I'm not liking this at all. people are talking about the holidays and my mind just shuts down when I hear it. I don't want to celebrate anything, i don't know what I'm going to do, should I let others push me into something that I'm not ready for?  I don't think so. Thankful that I don't have any little kids that I have to buy toys and stuff for, I don't think i could manage. Others seem to think it should all just go on, but i'll tell ya, its not so easy for me. I keep telling myself if only your birthday wasn't 3 days before xmas, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard on me, but damn it, it is hard on me. It was such an exciting week, Ryans birthday on the 19th and then yours on the 22nd and then xmas. Now I don't want it to even happen. What should I do Anthony. I'm going to try to see a counseler, I haven't really talked to anyone since you've been gone. I thought that maybe I could handle it all on my own, but I'm learning I can't. You would want me to be strong and I have been, but this is dealing with the reality of you not coming home to me and your brothers. Thats an impossiblity that I can't handle too well.   My dear sweet Anthony, I miss you so very much. My love for you is getting stronger. Peace Bud...XOXO^J^ Close

November 3rd, 2007 Its cold here  / Mom
Hey my Sunshine,  Oh boy, I'll tell ya, Memories are flooding my mind.I keep thinking of things when you and Aaron were little, How cute the 2 of you were and innocent, not knowing what life had in store for you guys, the good times, the heartache of your parents splitting apart, changing your lives for ever. I'm so regrettful for that.A parent usually only wants what is best and sometimes we are not perfect and we make mistakes that affect others.I know we cant change things or bring back time, I have learned this the hard way. Life has a way of going on, but it sure is different now. There isnt a second that goes by that I'm not thinking of you, no matter what I'm doing you are right there with me.All the vacations your 2 brothers and I took, the laughter we shared as a family, the 4 of us.Of course Grandma & Grandpa were usually with us, and of course Cancun, that my angel we will never forget, The trip of your life, I look back on that and how scared i was, You loved life that is for sure.For your 21 years you had a lot of experiences, I think i knew about most of them, but You had alot with your friends too. I wonder what they all think now, have they learned to treasure life and their parents, siblings. I know I have. I could write a book about you and our lives, I bet others might learn from it.I know how much You loved all of us and we all felt the same way about you. No matter what you did, you were still Anthony. A warm, good hearted, loving, outgoing person, who made everyone laugh.You touched so many lives in such a short time. No one knew you like me though, through thick and thin we were always there for each other.My first born son, the light of my life , your brothers are so important to me. I would give whatever I had to them. You keep watching over them for me.I wonder what it will be like when something happens to me, will I see you right away, will you be waiting for me, will you know me?So many wonders. Well Sunshine  I love you so very much, its a mother  thing.  Peace my child Close

For Anthony...xxx  / Teri Drebit (Jaime's Mom)

Close

For Anthony...xxx  / Teri Drebit (Jaime's Mom)

Close

October 27th, 2007 Raining here, how about heaven?  / Mom
Hey my number one angel. I miss you so much. I can't even begin to explain the loss and emptiness i truly feel. Others have no idea the depth of this. I know they all mean well and try to understand, I guess I hide alot of me feelings, sometimes I feel that I'm suppose to, just to make them feel better.  Ryan is having a hard time with all of this, someone that was very close to him started gossiping about you and your death. It hit him hard and he has to deal with it at school.  I know you would be furious that someone is hurting him. I know I am.  A mom protects her child, no matter what and this is a case where others should just mind their own business. They should stop and think what if it were their child or their brother, would they want someone talking negative about them????NO WAY would they.   Wish you were here to help him..See I have to be strong for others, sometimes i just want to scream, "Hey listen to me"  My son died!!!!!!I know you would tell me to stop and not worry about things. I don't know Anthony,  I use to be able to bounce things off you to get your reaction, sometimes it wasn't the one I wanted..LOL...Its raining here, I hate it, the weather always makes me think of you, like what is it like where you are, I bet it doesn't rain or snow. You didn't like either unless you could sleep all day.I use to tell you Anthony get up, some day you will have the rest of your life to sleep. Little did I know it would happen so fast. Well I could go on and on but I won't, Just know your mom loves you from earth to heaven and all in between places.  Miss You more and more sweet Sunshine Close