July 18th, 2008 Sad day / Mom
Hey Bud, I hope you are watching over things down here, its very sad in town. Another young man your age died the other day from an explosion. It brought everything right back to the front for me. I talked to his mom and told her how I feel and what she is going to go through. She of course is in total shock. I wish i could go back to the day of April 28th 2006, I would hold you and not let go. We all think we have forever to be with our kids and watch them raise their families and buy their first home, BUT in a split second all those dreams go out the window. All my hopes for you have vanished, except I hope you are safe and happy and can see me down here, missing you so very much. I never ever thought this would be the end for us. I know I will see you again but I hate the thought of not knowing when. It has been 6 years that Zach has been gone. I still cant believe that. Brenda is a strong woman, sometimes maybe too strong. I know she miss's him and the other boys are growing up, so active in sports, you guys would be proud of them. Keep a look out for all of us here, we love you Anthony and I miss you so much right now. Tonight is the boys viewing but I can't go. I dont know when I will be strong enough for that...Well My sunshine Peace to you today Close
July 11, 2008 Just sad / MOM
Well Anthony, yesterday was Aarons 22 birthday, I feel for him, he passed your age of 21. It must really hurt him deep inside. You guys littel joke has become a reality of him being older then you. They say be careful what you wish for. He was in Pittsburg so I didnt see him, I needed to hug him and tell him it will be ok. Some times I feel so lonely even when there is people around me, I need something else. I need you back. Now I know that will never happen but as a parent thats how I feel, if thats not facing reality then oh well.There have been struggles in my life but nothing compares to this. Getting up every day facing the fact that you died is just so very devistating. How do you just except that? I was dreaming about you 3 boys last night, maybe because I had Aaron on my mind wondering where he was and with who, celebrating his day. Ryan is racing again this weekend.You would love to be right there with him, I'm sure you are watching from the heavens.We always know that you are right with us, there are funny little signs, we just have to look for them. Well Bud, keep helping me, I will never stop needing you. I was there for you and here we are in reverse. Peace Bud till tomorrow. MOm loves you with all I got. Close
July 8th, 2008 Missing my boy / MOM
Hey sunshine. Wish i could touch you or hold you. So many days have come and gone by since you were here. Not too many really happy ones, at least not for me. I hide alot of what I feel. You wouldn't expect anything different from me. You know this would be the hardest thing for me to go through, losing one of my 3 sons. Oh my god, i still just cant believe it. People say you are with me all the time, I know that but its not the same, I want to see you right in front of me. Not looking at a picture. My memories are wonderful, what would I do if I didnt have all of them? Well Aaron will be 22 on Thursday. he will be older then you. Thats a tough one. Keep him safe down in Pittsburg for me on that day. He will be coming back home for a couple of weeks and then off to Mexico. I'm still trying to deal with that. Ryan raced this weekend, he did good. You would love to watch him. I'm so proud of both of them and I will always be proud of who you were and always will be. I hope to see you in my dreams......Love you Close
June 29th, 2008 another month almost over / MOM Read >>
June 29th, 2008 another month almost over / MOM
Boy time is going fast. First it was 1 month that you were gone, now its 2 years. Unbelievable, thats all i can say. It is so hard to face that you aren't going to walk through the door at Grandma's. No one around me has any idea of what i truly feel. I wonder if your Dad thinks about you all the time, sure he works and does things but you have to be right there in his mind, how can you not be. Annita and dana dont have a clue and I hope they never have to find out.I was thinking back to when this all happened and some of the things that were said, I know that if I wasn't in total shock at the time, i would of voiced myself for many to hear. Some day I still will, I have leaened so much and really dont care what others think or feel. All I know is that your dad and I are your parents and at that time we needed to share in the loss, you never liked either one of our mates, thats for sure. I am so sorry for all the nonsense that you and Aaron had to go through for many years. But there isnt too much I can do to make up for that. The stories that you 2 have to share, Anthony driving you and your Dad home from the harford fair when he was like 13 because dad was drunk or the many scenes at our house.Just crazy shit.......We live and learn, I guess our family was chosen to go through the really hard times. Aaron will be home on July 21st, i hope he can spend some time with Ryan, because he really needs him, he is his true blood, not step anything. I feel for Ryan because he kinda lost the both of you. I know if you were here things would be different, you spent so much time with Ryan and you would take him places with you, you even would choose him over your friends or anyone else.Your little munckin man is growing up so fast. he is trying to be a good kid but I know its hard on him. There is only so much me and Grandma can do for him. Please Anthony if you have any powers up there, keep him safe and help him make the right choices. I love you so very much, this is so deep. Miss you more every minute. Peace Bud Close
June 20th, 2008 Wishing You were here / Mom Read >>
June 20th, 2008 Wishing You were here / Mom
Hey Bud, Its me Mom again. I just dont know what to do with myself, there is so much I should be doing, but I feel like I dont have the energy. I was such a go getter before all of this. I'm sure you would tell me,,"Mom its ok" But Anthony its not. I want you back home, right where I can hold you and see you and laugh with you and talk about sports, that I dont know much about, but I always listened to your stories about who is playing for what team and betting on them. Things are so different now. There is such a sadness in Grandma's house. You are missing from here. I know you are with Grandpa and he loves you to pieces. I feel like you are always with me, watching over everything, I'm trying to make changes for the better, just wish you were here to help me. I gave out your scholarship to Erin Keene on Friday. She was surprised, I think you would approve. I have known her since she started playing T-ball on Ryans team. Life sure has a way of throwing things right in front of you. I made it through that night, I have been spending alot of time at the baseball field in your concession stand, I guess that makes me feel close to you and that there is a piece of you there for all to see. I miss seeing all your friends, I talk to some of them once in awhile, the one I really would like to talk to is Joe J, that day will come. Such a waste. So many lies he told. You would never do that, if one of your friends died, you would be there for everything and tell it all, no matter what. Not him he left the frigin state. Oh well, They say what goes around comes around, so we shall see. All I know is you died and left me hurting deep inside, something that will never go away. Keep me strong Anthony, Mom needs you more then ever. Peace for now my precious angel son. Close
June 9th, 2008 getting close to graduation / Mom Read >>
June 9th, 2008 getting close to graduation / Mom
I hate this time of year. It brings so many memories about your bright future, I will never forget the speaker saying" You have the rest of your life". Well not very long was it. I will be giving your scholarship on Friday night. Thats such a bittersweet thing to do, you would be so proud. I wish i had lots of money to give away, thats what you would want, so some kid wouldnt have to work so hard to pay for college, like your brother. he really struggles, but he made the DEANS list. I'm so proud of him. I hope you are keeping track of everything down here, you and Grandpa need to watch over us from up above. We need you guys more then ever before. Ryan will start racing his ATV soon. It cost so much $$$$. You would love to see him win. Well I just want to talk to you, this is my communication with you and my dreams...I LOVE YOU ANTHONY Close
May 31st, ending of another month without You / MOM Read >>
May 31st, ending of another month without You / MOM
Hi my sunshine,
I sure do miss you, Life or things just aren't the same any more.I'll tell ya, its a struggle eevry day just to get doing things. I've been doing alot of yard work at Grandma's. Wish I had your help.I need you the next week or so, I have alot to take care of and its going to be a fight to the end, But I will survive it, if I survive losing you, then I am strong. I thought I was doing the right things for the right reasons but oh have I learned the hard way. It doesn't go as planned.
Josh Carpenter, Johnny Bovencamp, Jordan Smith and John Carp were in a baseball game today. Its a mens adult leaque. You should be playing 1st base with them. Its kinda nice being around them and remembering things, they all have respect for you. I hope you know how proud we all are down here, to pay tribute to you, to share you with others, that helps me through this. Of course John and Laurie & Katie have helped me, selling food, John is the head chef at the field. Its funny!!!!You are watching from up above. I love you so much Anthony, this is the hardest thing to ever go through, I know I wouldnt survive it again, I dont want to. Keep me believing Bud, you are my angel in the sky. Peace Bud
Hey my Angel son! I am missing you more all the time. I'm sure you know that. I've been up to the field alot lately, working the concession stand, it helps me to feel close to you and what was important in your life. Josh Carpenter has been very nice to me and John & Lori Bovenkamp have there through it all for me. Jesse Pruitt has been playing on the Junior high team and they won districts, first time ever. I will be bringing flowers over today with Grandma. I got for you, bright orange and blue. I met a lady in AC Moore yesterday and she had a daughter that had died 6 years ago. I seem to be drawn to parents that are going through this. But it helps me, i sure know I'm not alone and they understand and care and even think like me.
The phsyic was awesome. She knew so much from you. I want to go back. Brenda says I have to wait 6 months. I do know you are around me all the time and I love that. Others think I'm nuts but who cares what the think. I'm working on getting my life turned around for the better. I know what I have to do and I am strong. I've been bullied for too many years, you know what I mean. Some day you will pat me on the back and say Good Mom!!!!Just know I love you, that my son is for always......Peace sunshine
Today is your Little Munchkin mans prom 5-17-08 / Mom Read >>
Today is your Little Munchkin mans prom 5-17-08 / Mom
Wow, you wouldn't believe it. I told him when we went to pick up his tux and he tried it on, I had all I could to do to hold myself together, the memories came flooding in on me. You would be so proud of him, the tux is all white, with his dark skin and being tall and curly hair, he is gonna be sharp looking. I hope you will be watching him tonight. i will be there to take pictures, of course just like yours and Aarons proms. You boys have given me so much love and hope. I am so proud of all of you, without you guys my life wouldnt be what it is today. I guess thats why it is so hard to go on without you at home with us and Aaron being in Pittsburg. Sometimes I feel all that is left is me and Ryan. Aaron will be going to mexico in August, so that will be a hard thing for me, but he has to live his life and do all the things to make his life better. Maybe someday he will get married and have alittle Anthony. Who knows..He will make the right decisions! I hope you still know how much I love you, you are such a huge part of me and NOONE will ever change that, believe me they try to, its like its been 2 years and now I should be back to myself and moving along, easy for those people to say, they have never went through this. I wish you had some kinda of powers up there, to starighten these certain people out. If they only could feel this emptiness, hurt for a few seconds, they would keep their mouths shut!!!!!Listen to me. See I would still do anything for you, always and forever, your mother. Peace my child Close
May 12, 2008 Survived Mothers Day / Mom
Boy Anthony, I dont know about this, at times I think i am moving right along and then Bam it hits me. I brought Grandma over to the cemetary on Sunday to visit and put some flowers there for you.Every time I drive down that rode, i think to myself, I can't believe where I am going and the reason Why. I see so many young people and I wish it were them instead of you. It's like i want others to feel what I'm feeling, the hurt, lonliness, anger, helplessness, so many emotions that are thrown into this. I tell people its a forever loss. I went to the Flea market and saw a couple of people that didnt know you were gone. Thats always hard, because I think everyone knows. like it is written across my forehead. I talked to Cody Edwards yesterday, he is still in Iraq. He is a nice guy, I know you really liked him as a ball player and as a friend. I'm going to the varsity game tonight. Its kinda cold out, but I will stay in your concession stand, I say its your little cottage. I am so proud of that. Ryan is going to his first prom on Saturday. I think he is excited, you would be shocked that he is growing up, he would definatley be taller then you now. Well my child, know that I love you so very much, that will never change, just will get stronger as the days go on. Peace Bud Close
May 7th starting another month without you at home / Mom Read >>
May 7th starting another month without you at home / Mom
Where does the time keep going? I sure do miss you. 2 years has come and gone now, I can't still believe this has happened. Sunday was your tournament, It went great, there was about 400 people there, most everyone had a Anthony Survilla T-shirt on. What a proud day it was for me and Ryan and Grandma. I'm sure you were watching everything from heaven, did you see the 250 balloons? They were red and white for the school colors. There were alot of memories shared that day of you. Life sure has a way of making you see things differently now. Some people I could care less about. Family is, well you know who was there and who wasn't. A dedication of a building in your memory only happens once not twice. We have been there for so many other peoples things, but belive me I will voice myself when the time is right. I guess for others, out of sight out of mind. They must be so busy with their own worlds that they can't find a hour out of thier busy day to come and support something that means so much. I have sat back and kept my mouth shut, but no more.....If you could you would telll them where the hell to go.I will keep doing this every year until I die. You deserve that concession stand and all the love that goes along with it. The baseball booster club just loves it. To be able to sell food is a great thing for them to make money. So many people thanked me for allowing them to play in your tournament, I was like you have to look to the sky and Thank my boy. This has been a really hard week to get through but I did it. Aaron is back in Pittsburg, he wasnt home for Sunday. Ryan, him and I spent the 28th together. I wouldn't survive another loss like this.So is you have any power up there, keep your brothers safe for me at all times. I LOVE YOU ANTHONY Close
Anthony's anniversary / Cheryl Hujar ((Steve's mom) )
Dear Pat, I just wanted you to know that, in this time when it is so difficult to comprehend the reason of what we're going through, I know exactly what you're feeling. We've never met but we share this horrible bond that thankfully most people will never experience. I know the emptiness and the helplessness you're feeling, and like you I know that it's never going away. I also know that your dear darling son is with you and will never really leave you, but that desire to hold him and hear him tell you he loves you is a need that will never be met, and that's what is so hard to accept. You and you family are in my thoughts and prayers, I can only hope that in time we'll be able to feel some peace. I know your heart is still bleeding for your son. Maybe it will help to know that someone understands what you're feeling... Close
Thinking of you today Precious Anthony xxx / Delia Allan Tomlin's Mum Read >>
Thinking of you today Precious Anthony xxx / Delia Allan Tomlin's Mum
April 27th 2008 Tommorow is 2 years / Mom
Hi my sweet Anthony, Boy do I want to reach out to you right now and never let go. The anticiaption of tomorrow is driving me nuts. It seemed like it was months away and now its a day. I am breathing faster, like I cant catch my breath at times. I dreamed about you all last night, which is a wonderful thing. I would wake up and fall back alseep and there you were or I was telling people about you in my dreams. I know you would be so shocked to think you are gone physically from here. i know you are here beside me all the time. So much has changed in 2 years, some for the better some not. I hope that someday my life will be turned around, It's so hard to move along and make changes, I'm certainly not the same person that i was back in April of 2006, never will be again, she left with you. I don't think the same, my outlook on everything is different, some people get mad at me, but ya know what who cares. I lost such a huge part of my being that there is no turning back.I guess the pain will end when I leave this earth and I am with you, but then others that I leave behind will hurt. I wish I knew all the what ifs and whys, it would be easier to face death. I do know that I'm not afraid of dying any more, because I know thats the only way i will see you again. I miss you horribly, some days are better then others, some days I want to be around others and some, its like I dont want to hear it, leave me alone. There are so many people here that love you and miss you, those are the people that i feel comfortable with. I can be myself and mention your name anytime that I want, without getting that look, like oh boy here she goes again. If they only could feel this pain, they would never tell me to move on and life goes on, he would want you to get over this, are they frigin crazy????? Well bud until tomorrow kep me sane. Setting off balloons at 7pm , watch for them, orange and blue, the Syracuse colors. I LOVE MY BOY Close
April 23, 2008 2 years is closing in on me / Mom Read >>
April 23, 2008 2 years is closing in on me / Mom
Hey My child, It's me again Mom, trying to communicate with you. I always wonder if you can see me and read what I write to you. I talk out loud all the time to you, sometimes I feel you so close to me.Theres a song that comes on the radio every time I'm in it, Its called I saw God today....I know you are watching over from above, just wish you were home with us. I've been wroking on your baseball tournament. I cant wait to see the concession stand built for you, what a tribute to you as a sports nut. Like I said you touched so many lives and you didn't even know it, well neither did I. Thats why I am so proud of you, I always was, no matter what you did, you were my first child and kinda you could do no wrong in my eyes, but you sure gave me a run for my money. I tell people its all part of growing up, kids, teenagers do things and they learn from them. Some older people just dont remember that they were once young and devilish. I remind them.....I have seen Joe Cosmello alot lately, I tell him all about you , its nice to visit with others that were so important to you. Your friends were a huge part of who you were and are. they have their own special memories of you. I need you to keep me strong, because I'm really struggling, its good that i have the baseball things to keep me busy.Some day things will be better, some day I will hold my boy again and laugh without having to fake a smile. Some day thats all I can say!!!!!!!Miss you terribly My sweet Anthony, the love I feel for you gets stronger every day, the reality of all of this is horrible. There must be alot of young people up there, I have met so many parents that are going through this pain. We all ask the same question "WHY" Why Our Child??:?????^j^^j^ Close
Well today is varsity's first game. I'm going to go watch for awhile, its hard because there are so many memories of you there, running around those bases, playing 1st, pitching, sliding into home plate. People don't realize how lucky they are to be able to see their kids playing, never expecting to lose them or their future. I've been working on your tournament, its going well, people are very generous where you are concerned. Everyone loved you and still do.You were such a big part of sports, it was one of your lifelines, like this site is to me. It's what keeps me going from one dat to the next. I can't wait to see the new concession stand built just for you, I'm so very proud of you Anthony!!!!!!!Always was and always will be. Your brothers sure do make me proud too.I love them with all that I have left. I would give up my life for them and for you, without a second doubt. I wish things were different, its sad that you learn so much when something like this happens, hows that song go????If I could turn back time, I'd give it all to you!!!!!Know how much I hurt for you Bud, you are with me always, where ever I am who ever I'm talking to you, you are right there with me.....Peace my child
Hey Sunshine, It's Mom again 3-30-08 / Mom Read >>
Hey Sunshine, It's Mom again 3-30-08 / Mom
Things are really stressful at home. But some in a good way. I've been working really hard on your Baseball tournament, It's May 4th. Make sure you are free to watch over it!!!!!You know Jesse' is building you a consession srand, just in your memory. I cant wait to see it. You would be so proud of all the things for you. I will as long as I live keep your memory fresh, even to those that don't want to remember. They sort of block it all out of their minds, maybe it's alittle bit of guilt feelings. It's like I need to do these things not just for you but for me too. It helps me to move on. It's no different then me helping Brenda when Zach died. You were proud to wear his basketball tournament T-shirt and now others are proud to wear yours. Grandma has been really tired lately. I think we are all thinking of the time frame. 2 years is coming so fast. It's so hard to believe. Just know how much I miss seeing you and listening to ramble on about anything. I love you from here to heaven and beyond. Always my only Sunshine Close
Tributes and Condolences
